Is it ok to SCREAM before 10am???? I wonder if the neighbors would care? lol I have no justifiable reason, nor am i about to be visited my my once a month sworn enemy, so I dont know what my problem is....lol
Truth is, I didnt sleep all that great last night, not much different than most nights lately...I am just so ready for bryon to be home already that my anxiety level is through the freakin roof!!! These last 3 weeks will be the death of me i swear!! Cant I just hibernate to save the world from my insanity???
I feel like I wake up and go through every day like some kind of a drone, waiting to be told its ok to fall apart (which he did tell me btw, lol) I mean, whats wrong with me??? there are people out there with no home, no food, getting raped and murdered and im a mess all cuz i need to really feel his arms, not with some officer standing over making sure we are a foot apart!!! I mean, life is good, the bills are paid (not always on time, but always paid), i have both of my beautiful babies and friends who love me, and most of the time im fine, but when i allow myself to get lost in my own head then downhill it goes....lol...where is jack and jill? oh yea, they went up the hill to stare down at me rolling! lol
Just another day in paradise i guess...it will be over soon:)
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Life, Condensed.....
wow, so alot has happened actually since the last time i blogged...so lets see if I can condense it some...lol...
that "friend" i was oh-so-worried about turned out to not be a "friend" at all! she called me crying, i ran to the rescue (like usual) and then waited patiently for the knife to be ripped from my back. The audasity of some people just baffles me. She has finally burnt her final bridge and Im certain she will not learn until that man ends up killing her...but again, not my problem anymore...is that wrong of me to say???
28 short days and 27 long nights to go until my baby is home again...damn i miss him.
My mother...(long backround to this story) tricked me into dinner with my grandparents, trickery i wont soon forget....
Both of my spawn are gone for 4 whole days..whatever will i do with myself? lol SLEEP IN!!! this meaning i get up at 8 instead of 6:30....damn i feel old! lol
I have found myself lately thinking alot about the baby I lost that never really had time to grow, and I feel my deep rooted resentments for certain people over that continue to grow deep inside and I cant make it go away...I know, I know, things happen for a reason, and when Bryon gets home we will try again, and he will be able to be here for it, but that still doesnt fill that small empty place inside me where life once lived, no matter how short lived, a life is still a life when it is lost....
Margaret, if you are out there somewhere watching over all of us, I want to say that you are never far from my thoughts and i miss you every day...I wish so badly that I could have seen you, but i know that some day, some how, when the time has come, i will see you again....
that "friend" i was oh-so-worried about turned out to not be a "friend" at all! she called me crying, i ran to the rescue (like usual) and then waited patiently for the knife to be ripped from my back. The audasity of some people just baffles me. She has finally burnt her final bridge and Im certain she will not learn until that man ends up killing her...but again, not my problem anymore...is that wrong of me to say???
28 short days and 27 long nights to go until my baby is home again...damn i miss him.
My mother...(long backround to this story) tricked me into dinner with my grandparents, trickery i wont soon forget....
Both of my spawn are gone for 4 whole days..whatever will i do with myself? lol SLEEP IN!!! this meaning i get up at 8 instead of 6:30....damn i feel old! lol
I have found myself lately thinking alot about the baby I lost that never really had time to grow, and I feel my deep rooted resentments for certain people over that continue to grow deep inside and I cant make it go away...I know, I know, things happen for a reason, and when Bryon gets home we will try again, and he will be able to be here for it, but that still doesnt fill that small empty place inside me where life once lived, no matter how short lived, a life is still a life when it is lost....
Margaret, if you are out there somewhere watching over all of us, I want to say that you are never far from my thoughts and i miss you every day...I wish so badly that I could have seen you, but i know that some day, some how, when the time has come, i will see you again....
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Paternally Perplexed
ok, so now i have blogged twice today...that will make up for the times i dont:)
But something happened today that has my mind absolutely racing!!! On myspace, of all places, I managed to find a woman I once knew named Gerri......who is the mother of my son's older brother and sister on his biological father's side...or shall I just call him, like always....the walking sperm bank. This man has not been a part of my son's life since he was 6mos old. My daughter's biological father became "dad" to my son. he is the only dad my son has ever had....even as much as that man ("DAD") gets under my skin, I still have to give him that....he stepped up to the plate.....so anyway, back on topic, I searched for Gerri via myspace (not honestly thinking i'd find her) because of Brian and Jessica (my sons biological big brother and sister). Those kids were amazing...I became very close to them in the time we had together, and I dont think it is fair to keep john in the dark about having more family....I mean, sooner or later he will ask why he is mixed and mommy and daddy are both white.....but that begs the question...how in the world do i explain this to my 7 year old son?????.....I think i remember trying to explain it when he was younger but at that age I dont think he could really grasp the concept. and how do I do it without making "dad" feel hurt or territorial? I dont want to hurt anyone's feelings but I think that my son deserves to know the truth...to know he has a half brother and half sister out there.....they all called him baby john....and they loved him. Its not their fault that walking sperm bank is useless. One day, I do hope he will be able to be a part of brian and jessica's life....I just have to figure out how to explain it to my son and figure out when would be the right time....until then, i guess i will remain perplexed as I find the answers to the questions that i seek....hmmmm....life is everchanging.
But something happened today that has my mind absolutely racing!!! On myspace, of all places, I managed to find a woman I once knew named Gerri......who is the mother of my son's older brother and sister on his biological father's side...or shall I just call him, like always....the walking sperm bank. This man has not been a part of my son's life since he was 6mos old. My daughter's biological father became "dad" to my son. he is the only dad my son has ever had....even as much as that man ("DAD") gets under my skin, I still have to give him that....he stepped up to the plate.....so anyway, back on topic, I searched for Gerri via myspace (not honestly thinking i'd find her) because of Brian and Jessica (my sons biological big brother and sister). Those kids were amazing...I became very close to them in the time we had together, and I dont think it is fair to keep john in the dark about having more family....I mean, sooner or later he will ask why he is mixed and mommy and daddy are both white.....but that begs the question...how in the world do i explain this to my 7 year old son?????.....I think i remember trying to explain it when he was younger but at that age I dont think he could really grasp the concept. and how do I do it without making "dad" feel hurt or territorial? I dont want to hurt anyone's feelings but I think that my son deserves to know the truth...to know he has a half brother and half sister out there.....they all called him baby john....and they loved him. Its not their fault that walking sperm bank is useless. One day, I do hope he will be able to be a part of brian and jessica's life....I just have to figure out how to explain it to my son and figure out when would be the right time....until then, i guess i will remain perplexed as I find the answers to the questions that i seek....hmmmm....life is everchanging.
Random Ramblings
OK, so I havent blogged in a few days, no good reason or excuse, just havent been able to really find the words to sum up my feelings I guess....(i know only one person reads these so far, but blogging is more for me in a sense...thx tho my friend).......one month and one week left til bryon comes home...i cant even find words to say how much i miss him and wish this last month would fly by like the last 2 have. Bryon will be home and fall will be in the air, time for bonfires and bbq's!!!! So many things will change once he is home ( no worries Crystal, you WILL still see me! LOL) for the better. My stress level will go down and I will sleep better at night, Ill be able to take a week sabatical! hee hee Seriously, I am SOOO not housewife material, I hate not working! Ah....*sigh*.....this battle of time is almost over....Im not quite sure how I have managed to make it through this. Well, with help from my "fam"...luv u girl...!!! But the nights are the hardest, when Im laying in my bed talkin to him on the phone, knowing how very much we love each other and how close we are to being done with this...its just so hard, but it will all be worth it in 38 short days and 37 long nights....
And I also have this friend who I cant seem to stop worrying about..sometimes i do that, i worry about other people too much. Bryon says its part of who i am and that it makes me a better person, that i should not consider it a weakness. Her name is Lesli....and I have watched her get further and further down the hill, lost her kids, car is going, and she is still with the man who beat her for 2 years, and that is puttin it lightly...NO, he has not hit her yet again since he got out and it has been a good few months, but some of his behaviors are still very controlling of her and she admitted it freely to me as well. I know she has to make her own decisions, and I assured her that bryon and i both felt the same way, that if she needed somewhere to go to leave him, that our door was open, and i left it at that. you can see in her eyes that she wants to....but what if it were too late??? I KNOW that realisticly there is nothing i can do for her...u can lead the horse to water but u cant make it drink... I guess I have extended my hand to her yet again and the rest is up to her. she has to be ready. noone can make that choice for her. this is something i must accept...
And I also have this friend who I cant seem to stop worrying about..sometimes i do that, i worry about other people too much. Bryon says its part of who i am and that it makes me a better person, that i should not consider it a weakness. Her name is Lesli....and I have watched her get further and further down the hill, lost her kids, car is going, and she is still with the man who beat her for 2 years, and that is puttin it lightly...NO, he has not hit her yet again since he got out and it has been a good few months, but some of his behaviors are still very controlling of her and she admitted it freely to me as well. I know she has to make her own decisions, and I assured her that bryon and i both felt the same way, that if she needed somewhere to go to leave him, that our door was open, and i left it at that. you can see in her eyes that she wants to....but what if it were too late??? I KNOW that realisticly there is nothing i can do for her...u can lead the horse to water but u cant make it drink... I guess I have extended my hand to her yet again and the rest is up to her. she has to be ready. noone can make that choice for her. this is something i must accept...
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Margaret's Gift
Margaret and I met when I was pregnant with my oldest child, who I can't believe will be 8 this march, and we became instant friends...she was older than be by 14 years, but I never really hung out with people in my own age group. I was dating my son's walking sperm bank at the time and she was dating a man who worked with walking sperm bank...
As time went on and after the "men" were no longer in our lives (a very dramatic, long and very bitter ending to both of those relationships) our friendship still held strong. We made stupid mistakes together and we both saw each other through some hard times in our lives. I moved away, all the way to anther state, and tried to visit when I could...I got married, and had my second child. She finally found love and happiness and she soon moved to Louisianna. She had 2 children, both boys from her 1st marriage (long before we met) and one was off to college when she moved away and then I moved back to Florida. Even in the midst of our own lives we managed to stay in touch as much as possible. The last time I saw her was in 2007 when I took a friend with me to her house shortly before she moved, it was later that year when the 2 of us lost touch. With a mixture of the moves and numbers being changed and such we didnt speak at all for about 2 years....
About 4 or so months ago, I managed to find her son via (believe it or not) Myspace and was able to reconnect with Margaret who I discovered had also been trying to find me. We spent hours filling each other in on the last 2 years of our lives when she told me of her having to have gone in for emergency brain and spinal surgery only 2 months prior to our conversation due to complications caused by her having Spinal Menengitis when she was 19. She told me that overall she was recovering well and still sounded like the full of life Margaret I had always known. She was getting ready to go for one more surgery, on her neck this time, to correct an issue from the previous surgery but she sounded very possitive about how it would go and was suppose to call me and let me know how everything went. It was mentioned that after her final recovery I would make the drive over to see her...
After 2 or so weeks, I was sitting on my couch when my cell began to ring. I saw the name on the caller id..."Margaret", it said as my face lit up and my smile widened. I picked up the phone, "Hey girl!!!" I said with enthusiasm but after a small silence the voice I heard on the other end was not that of my dear friend. "Lisa?" spoke a deeper, more solomn voice, one I immediately recognized to be Jesse, Margaret's husband and my face went white as I knew something had to be wrong. I could barely speak to ask him what was wrong as he began telling me how when she came home from surgery she progressivly got weaker. They took her back to the hospital and then he told me what my heart already felt to be true, within days of returning to the hospital she had passed away....
I have experienced death before in my life but up until now I have never experienced the death of such a close friend, and in that moment I took it pretty hard. I'm not even sure that I have totally dealt with it at all, sometimes it still doesnt feel real ya know? She was only 40 years old and left behind a family who loved her very much. She never even got to see her youngest graduate high school and she was just beginning to really live her life...how do you just accept that and move on from it?
In her passing, my dear friend did leave me with an amazing gift....she reminded me that life is far too short, and that tomorrow is never a guarantee. She taught me to appreciate the little things more and to never take one day for granted. I often catch myself wondering if she is watching and hoping she knows how much she will always be missed.......
As time went on and after the "men" were no longer in our lives (a very dramatic, long and very bitter ending to both of those relationships) our friendship still held strong. We made stupid mistakes together and we both saw each other through some hard times in our lives. I moved away, all the way to anther state, and tried to visit when I could...I got married, and had my second child. She finally found love and happiness and she soon moved to Louisianna. She had 2 children, both boys from her 1st marriage (long before we met) and one was off to college when she moved away and then I moved back to Florida. Even in the midst of our own lives we managed to stay in touch as much as possible. The last time I saw her was in 2007 when I took a friend with me to her house shortly before she moved, it was later that year when the 2 of us lost touch. With a mixture of the moves and numbers being changed and such we didnt speak at all for about 2 years....
About 4 or so months ago, I managed to find her son via (believe it or not) Myspace and was able to reconnect with Margaret who I discovered had also been trying to find me. We spent hours filling each other in on the last 2 years of our lives when she told me of her having to have gone in for emergency brain and spinal surgery only 2 months prior to our conversation due to complications caused by her having Spinal Menengitis when she was 19. She told me that overall she was recovering well and still sounded like the full of life Margaret I had always known. She was getting ready to go for one more surgery, on her neck this time, to correct an issue from the previous surgery but she sounded very possitive about how it would go and was suppose to call me and let me know how everything went. It was mentioned that after her final recovery I would make the drive over to see her...
After 2 or so weeks, I was sitting on my couch when my cell began to ring. I saw the name on the caller id..."Margaret", it said as my face lit up and my smile widened. I picked up the phone, "Hey girl!!!" I said with enthusiasm but after a small silence the voice I heard on the other end was not that of my dear friend. "Lisa?" spoke a deeper, more solomn voice, one I immediately recognized to be Jesse, Margaret's husband and my face went white as I knew something had to be wrong. I could barely speak to ask him what was wrong as he began telling me how when she came home from surgery she progressivly got weaker. They took her back to the hospital and then he told me what my heart already felt to be true, within days of returning to the hospital she had passed away....
I have experienced death before in my life but up until now I have never experienced the death of such a close friend, and in that moment I took it pretty hard. I'm not even sure that I have totally dealt with it at all, sometimes it still doesnt feel real ya know? She was only 40 years old and left behind a family who loved her very much. She never even got to see her youngest graduate high school and she was just beginning to really live her life...how do you just accept that and move on from it?
In her passing, my dear friend did leave me with an amazing gift....she reminded me that life is far too short, and that tomorrow is never a guarantee. She taught me to appreciate the little things more and to never take one day for granted. I often catch myself wondering if she is watching and hoping she knows how much she will always be missed.......
Monday, September 14, 2009
I made it....
Today started off with a river of tears..that I blame simply on Aunt Flo's abrupt interruption of my month, and early even!! LOL My best friend's husband had to talk me off of the ledge before the day really even got started...i hope u know im not completely serious about the whole ledge thing...lol...Ya see, I have 45 days to go until Bryon comes home and every day closer seems to take just a little bit longer steadily poking and proding away at the very little patience that I actually have left:) And it is so hard not to let him see or hear me hurting because by no means do I want him to feel bad, and I know that he does...he made a stupid choice and is taking responsibility for that choice. For this I respect him, and I CHOOSE to stand by his side 200%.
Sometimes I feel like I am so strong all of the time that Im just not allowed to break down and cry, not necessarilly for reason of sadness, but more for a release of every day strains...(Crystal, my best friend and I are in agreeance that that is the reason God gave us Chick Flicks....so that we would have an excuse to cry!) So, as Craig reminded me of how worth this battle it will all be when Bryon comes home, I attempted to pull myself together and get through yet another day. Not so surprisingly, I made it! The day is reaching its end, my 2 beautiful children (7 and 4) are now tucked away (I hope I didnt say quietly) in their beds and mommy is getting ready to soak in the tub...and then comes what I must say is one of my favorite times of day (which will be even better when Bryon is back home to hold me)...BEDTIME! LOL Our children just dont have a clue how well they actually have it...I mean can you give me the name of even 1 adult who wouldnt like to have the bills paid for them, meals cooked for em, clothes washed, and to top it all off, be MADE to lay down and take a nap?! HA! I cant think of 1 either! LOL So, Im off to bubbly tub now...more to come soon:)
Sometimes I feel like I am so strong all of the time that Im just not allowed to break down and cry, not necessarilly for reason of sadness, but more for a release of every day strains...(Crystal, my best friend and I are in agreeance that that is the reason God gave us Chick Flicks....so that we would have an excuse to cry!) So, as Craig reminded me of how worth this battle it will all be when Bryon comes home, I attempted to pull myself together and get through yet another day. Not so surprisingly, I made it! The day is reaching its end, my 2 beautiful children (7 and 4) are now tucked away (I hope I didnt say quietly) in their beds and mommy is getting ready to soak in the tub...and then comes what I must say is one of my favorite times of day (which will be even better when Bryon is back home to hold me)...BEDTIME! LOL Our children just dont have a clue how well they actually have it...I mean can you give me the name of even 1 adult who wouldnt like to have the bills paid for them, meals cooked for em, clothes washed, and to top it all off, be MADE to lay down and take a nap?! HA! I cant think of 1 either! LOL So, Im off to bubbly tub now...more to come soon:)
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