Thursday, October 8, 2009

Is screaming allowed???

Is it ok to SCREAM before 10am???? I wonder if the neighbors would care? lol I have no justifiable reason, nor am i about to be visited my my once a month sworn enemy, so I dont know what my problem

Truth is, I didnt sleep all that great last night, not much different than most nights lately...I am just so ready for bryon to be home already that my anxiety level is through the freakin roof!!! These last 3 weeks will be the death of me i swear!! Cant I just hibernate to save the world from my insanity???

I feel like I wake up and go through every day like some kind of a drone, waiting to be told its ok to fall apart (which he did tell me btw, lol) I mean, whats wrong with me??? there are people out there with no home, no food, getting raped and murdered and im a mess all cuz i need to really feel his arms, not with some officer standing over making sure we are a foot apart!!! I mean, life is good, the bills are paid (not always on time, but always paid), i have both of my beautiful babies and friends who love me, and most of the time im fine, but when i allow myself to get lost in my own head then downhill it is jack and jill? oh yea, they went up the hill to stare down at me rolling! lol

Just another day in paradise i will be over soon:)

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Life, Condensed.....

wow, so alot has happened actually since the last time i lets see if I can condense it

that "friend" i was oh-so-worried about turned out to not be a "friend" at all! she called me crying, i ran to the rescue (like usual) and then waited patiently for the knife to be ripped from my back. The audasity of some people just baffles me. She has finally burnt her final bridge and Im certain she will not learn until that man ends up killing her...but again, not my problem that wrong of me to say???

28 short days and 27 long nights to go until my baby is home again...damn i miss him.

My mother...(long backround to this story) tricked me into dinner with my grandparents, trickery i wont soon forget....

Both of my spawn are gone for 4 whole days..whatever will i do with myself? lol SLEEP IN!!! this meaning i get up at 8 instead of 6:30....damn i feel old! lol

I have found myself lately thinking alot about the baby I lost that never really had time to grow, and I feel my deep rooted resentments for certain people over that continue to grow deep inside and I cant make it go away...I know, I know, things happen for a reason, and when Bryon gets home we will try again, and he will be able to be here for it, but that still doesnt fill that small empty place inside me where life once lived, no matter how short lived, a life is still a life when it is lost....

Margaret, if you are out there somewhere watching over all of us, I want to say that you are never far from my thoughts and i miss you every day...I wish so badly that I could have seen you, but i know that some day, some how, when the time has come, i will see you again....